Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, Magic the Gathering Tactics, Guy of My Dreams
More running around and stabbing dudes in Assassin’s Creed: Bro-hood, the single player campaign. I was tasked to kill the Banker in the main storyline, some fat idiot whose chain of influence I had forgotten about. I had saved a senator who owned him money, and so in a multi-part mission, I had to give the senator money, who took the money to some guards, who took the money to their boss, who I then killed and impersonated. Then, in a goofy mission in which I had to “lead the way” (i.e., dramatically change direction whenever the two loudest buffoons frequently proclaimed we were heading in the wrong direction), we took the money to the boss’s boss. Then, I followed the money once again, to watch it trade hands one more time, before finally, finally being given to the Banker, who sets it down for half a second...and it's immediately stolen by my prostitute allies. I know that in real crime, people covered their tracks to this degree, but this was ridiculous. Especially when it turns out the banker is walking around half-naked and in a stupid hat at some kind of Bacchanalic festival going on down by the ruins. This part was actually really trippy, actually, as I was just wandering and suddenly these couples in masks and green togas start appearing by the road; it was like stepping into a Gilliam film. Or at least, the best approximation of such. ANYWAY, I finally sneak up on the Banker as he walks around with my spy on his arm, and then escape, again completely blowing my chance to kill Cesare and the evil pope, who also happened to be at the same party.
I also did some of Leonardo’s death machine missions, and woof, do I hate these. They wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so long, clocking in at nearly half-an-hour each, and if it wasn’t so easy to desynchronize. Every mission, you have to go undetected until a certain point deep in the mission, or you lose and have to start over. It’s really annoying, because they throw a lot of guards in-between you and the objective. There’s also the second half of the mission, in which you have to quickly master the controls of the war machine and turn it on the Borgia, which is more annoying then fun. Luckily, it looks like there’s only one left. I also was just running around cleaning up the city, buying buildings and stabbing guys. A weird thing that happened a couple of times is when a bunch of thieves suddenly attack me for no reason (I’m going to assume they are the opposing gang to the thieves I know and like). I quickly dispatch them and the guards who were also trying to kill them, and then I loot the bodies to find that they are loaded with valuable goods. It’s almost as if five treasure chests just decided to attack me. Helpful.
I also found out that Magic the Gathering Tactics is out, and downloaded it to give it a try. It’s…fine. It’s a tactics game, only with Magic. I guess that’s okay. The gameplay may be a bit off, in which they import wholesale actual stats from the card game and then add other stuff that doesn’t quite work, like damage that sticks, defending that increases one’s life by 30, and initiative, and it’s so hard to tell just how mana works. Mainly, you start each game with not enough, and then you have too much. Oh, and there’s also a talent tree, which is completely original, but god knows when you actually get talent points, because it’s not at level 3. Not sure about this one.
And just a little bit of Kongregate, with another game by the group who needs to just stop: Nerdook. They just churn out unsophisticated yet complex and uninteresting crap so often, and their art style is the ugliest. This little gem, Guy of My Dreams, is not only ugly and unlikeable, but also borderline offensive. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I was not, actually, offended. But, because I didn’t like the game, I’m going to point out what one could be offended by, mostly for fun and because screw Nerdook.) You play a girl who will walk down the metaphorical road between the ages 16 and 50. Littering the road are guys, chocolate, flowers, folders, skulls, etc. You are trying to rack up the most happiness by either hooking up with one of the guys (you get more points if he’s your type) and picking up roses and diamonds (which have no effect if you’re single) or picking up whatever chocolate you can and grabbing the folders, which will increase your yearly career bonus (the bonus goes up more if you’re single). If you touch a skull, the guy you’re with dies.
Now. I shouldn’t have to point out how this view of love and happiness and relationships is a bit screwy, and after the initial concept, they should have just stopped pitching new ideas and just did the basics. But when you get into the fluff, it just feels so pointless and derisive. I especially balk at the career bonus being higher if you’re single; as if to say, “Well, you know women, they just can’t concentrate when there’s some penis hanging around.” But this is a problem you get into whenever you make a game which has happiness as a numerical value. And I appreciate that the publisher said, “Don’t get offended, it’s all in good fun,” because at least they recognized how stupid this was. But to have this is the special Valentine’s Day game? Well, Kongregate messed up here, there was surely something better in the stack to be promoted. But it’s only a day, and it’s probably getting the worst reviews for Nerdook, so there we go.
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