Assassin's Creed: Revelations
Well, guess who managed to get caught up with the insane plot of the Assassin's Creed franchise just in time for the new release. That's right, me! And let me tell you, it continues to make not all that much sense. But at least I got to watch all my favorite characters get old and die!
So anyway, when we last left Ezio, he had to go kill an army somewhere. So he does this by setting an entire harbor on fire. That's just how Ezio rolls, dog. After some really gripping visual effects, Ezio arrives at an underground city where the Templars are building up his army. He immediately sniffs out the mole and finds out the resistance has pretty much all been captured, then takes on the bad guy's Dragon to make sure no more prisoners get killed. This guy surprised me, because after the post-assassination white screen of death, this jerk got back up! Just like, "NOPE! Screw that," and I had to fight him one more time. I don't know if they'd ever done that before, but it was shocking nonetheless.
Then Ezio decides to set the whole city on fire, because he's a compassionate assassin, and kills the guy with the last key, only to find...
(Mildly spoilerish stuff after the jump)
...that the Uncle character you definitely didn't care about was in fact a Templar, and had kidnapped your girlfriend! Oh no!
So Ezio gets out of there and after finding out that the friendly rogue character had been killed, gets all his assassins to just fuck up the bad guy's camp and gets blackmailed. Exchange the keys for the girl. He goes along with it, because Ezio cares, and after a dumb rescue scene, it's time to get the keys back! So it's a carriage chase, and this is where it gets dumb. After the usual nonsense of slamming carriages into each other, Ezio trips, and instead of just...climbing back on the carriage, Ezio deploys his parachute and starts hanggliding behind the carriage. I don't know. So he does this for five minutes, randomly swooping down and killing people like the goddamn Batman, and eventually catches up with the bad guy, knocks him off a cliff, and has a fight in midair! It is nuts!
Of course, after landing, some guy you've never seen before shows up and pushes the bad guy off the cliff. Your girlfriend is all, "Forget it, Jake," and you go off to the first game to unlock a library, where you get to meet Altair's corpse! Fun!
Anyway, then the crazy nonsense that is the first people shows up again and talks about how the world ended the first time and where you need to go to solve everything and it turns out the answer is Virginia. There is some interesting stuff involving the first civilization and how it was apparently taken out by a solar flare (did they have ozone depletion problems?) and how Desmond needs to save everything. Oh, and it turns out Desmond's dad is here. He has a beard.
So yeah! All set for tomorrow's release. Not that any of that was super necessary, but hey, it's good to know that I put in the work. I've done my time! Bring on Connor! And maybe Aveline!
Well, guess who managed to get caught up with the insane plot of the Assassin's Creed franchise just in time for the new release. That's right, me! And let me tell you, it continues to make not all that much sense. But at least I got to watch all my favorite characters get old and die!
So anyway, when we last left Ezio, he had to go kill an army somewhere. So he does this by setting an entire harbor on fire. That's just how Ezio rolls, dog. After some really gripping visual effects, Ezio arrives at an underground city where the Templars are building up his army. He immediately sniffs out the mole and finds out the resistance has pretty much all been captured, then takes on the bad guy's Dragon to make sure no more prisoners get killed. This guy surprised me, because after the post-assassination white screen of death, this jerk got back up! Just like, "NOPE! Screw that," and I had to fight him one more time. I don't know if they'd ever done that before, but it was shocking nonetheless.
Then Ezio decides to set the whole city on fire, because he's a compassionate assassin, and kills the guy with the last key, only to find...
(Mildly spoilerish stuff after the jump)
...that the Uncle character you definitely didn't care about was in fact a Templar, and had kidnapped your girlfriend! Oh no!
So Ezio gets out of there and after finding out that the friendly rogue character had been killed, gets all his assassins to just fuck up the bad guy's camp and gets blackmailed. Exchange the keys for the girl. He goes along with it, because Ezio cares, and after a dumb rescue scene, it's time to get the keys back! So it's a carriage chase, and this is where it gets dumb. After the usual nonsense of slamming carriages into each other, Ezio trips, and instead of just...climbing back on the carriage, Ezio deploys his parachute and starts hanggliding behind the carriage. I don't know. So he does this for five minutes, randomly swooping down and killing people like the goddamn Batman, and eventually catches up with the bad guy, knocks him off a cliff, and has a fight in midair! It is nuts!
Of course, after landing, some guy you've never seen before shows up and pushes the bad guy off the cliff. Your girlfriend is all, "Forget it, Jake," and you go off to the first game to unlock a library, where you get to meet Altair's corpse! Fun!
Anyway, then the crazy nonsense that is the first people shows up again and talks about how the world ended the first time and where you need to go to solve everything and it turns out the answer is Virginia. There is some interesting stuff involving the first civilization and how it was apparently taken out by a solar flare (did they have ozone depletion problems?) and how Desmond needs to save everything. Oh, and it turns out Desmond's dad is here. He has a beard.
So yeah! All set for tomorrow's release. Not that any of that was super necessary, but hey, it's good to know that I put in the work. I've done my time! Bring on Connor! And maybe Aveline!
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