Snail, 1/5
I played a couple of crappy flash games that were overwrought with Internet memes and poor, non-existent gameplay. Why? Because there were badges to be had.
Snail is a game that was rewarded with Kongregate’s 1000th badge, for its complete lack of challenge. The story is of a little snail who will gain new powers whenever it eats a sprout, but it never actually gets better, remaining the same speed through as he constantly moves right. That’s the entire game, moving right. Oh sure, you get new, pointless equipment so that you can dress up your snail as a viking, or that asshole from One Piece, or goddamn Mario. I’m getting sick of Mario just being randomly inserted into any old game, and the number of times I’ve seen World 1-1 when it shouldn’t be there is nauseating. Show some originality, you flash hacks.
The second game was an intentionally broken game that was designed as some sort of “social commentary” about how jerks will often downrate a game for stupid reasons. So...naturally, it gives you a lot of stupid reasons to hate the game. Some aspects of the game don’t work, the gameplay is inconsistent and stupid, and every ten seconds a little box with my icon popped up and made me look stupid by putting words in my mouth like “No mute button 1/5" or “No sissy games 1/5.” It was not a pleasant experience, but it only took ten minutes to get my badge, so there we are.
The worst thing about these meme-heavy games is that the production value is minimal, they look like they were thrown together in a weekend. They also aren’t funny. I never understood the damn Doctor Octogonapus thing, and I imagine it’s a good three or four years old by now, yet it popped up here for no reason. I consider myself lucky I didn’t see a Lolcat.
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